This morning I woke up and asked myself why am I doing this? What is the purpose of this, and what do I expect to accomplish? That early in the morning my mind really didn’t have a crystal clear answer, and my body was saying just go back to sleep it’s Saturday. Still, as tempting as that was, there was a stronger uncomfortable feeling saying quitting would feel worst than just getting up.
Over the years I’ve started many things and never really seen them through. There seems to be something about commitment that scares me. Maybe that’s why I like trying things but not really sticking to them once the experience is done. So far it’s made for an interesting and rather fun lifestyle. I’ve traveled, I’ve tried bubble soccer, snowboarding, skiing, archery, fencing, roller coasters, parasailing and so on. I’ve live on a mountain and off the grid and it’s really all been about seeing if I could do it. But once it was done and checked off my list, then it was just one more level completed and on to the next new adventure in the game of life.
Still, all of these things were fun, and that’s why I don’t have any regrets about trying them out and getting them done. But this business of getting up so early is not fun. It’s hard, and I wonder if it’s because that’s what I keep telling myself. I keep using this language over and over and maybe that’s all my mind is hearing. It keeps hearing that I don’t know if I’ll make it, that it’s hard, that it’s crazy and so forth. Not the most positive self talk for someone who is looking for a transformational outcome.
When I think of how I talk to my friends, and how I try to be encouraging and supportive, I wonder when my words to myself stopped being encouraging and supportive and why they’ve become so self-limiting. The change in my self-talk language, and how much more I use the words “I’m exhausted”, “I can’t”, “it’s too hard”, just crept up on me. It’s funny that it took a sleep deprived brain to realize that I need to change more than just my bedtime.
I knew from the start that this would be a challenge. At first I thought I could complete it and just check it off my list. But now I realize it’s more than just a challenge, it’s a journey I have to see through. The purpose of this challenge is no longer just to have more time for a workout, but also to take control back, to change my words and maybe even my perception.
Let’s see how this all unfolds in the next few days, and what other insight skipping the 4:30AM snooze brings.
Good night world, I’ll see you on Day 7!